Hash Hymnal

SHANGHAI H3 ORIGINALS

SHANGHAI CLASSIC

[Continuously clear throat for several seconds]
[Spitting noise]

I WAS PREGNANT  (tune of ‘My Darling Clementine’)

I was pregnant, I was pregnant
But now I’m drinking beer
Bring your vagina to China
Where babies, disappear

 

PROCEDURAL SONGS

QUICKIES:

HEINEKEN, SCHMEINEKIN

Heineken, Schmeinekin!
Fuck that shit!
TSINGTAO BEER!

SHORT HYMN

Hymn, Hymn,
Fuck him!

5-4-3-2-1

Let’s give them
5-4-3-2-1,
on your head!

THE DOWN-DOWN SONG

This is a down-down song,
It’s not very long.

FOR VIRGINS:

WE’VE GOT VIRGINS (tune of ‘Frere Jacques’)

We’ve got Virgins (We’ve got Virgins)
At our hash (at our hash)
Gonna get ‘em drunked up (Gonna get ‘em fucked up)
Down the hatch (up the ass!)

WHY WERE THEY BORN SO BEAUTIFUL?

Why were they born so beautiful?
Why were they born at all?
They’re no fucking use to anyone,
They’re no fucking use at all.
They may be a joy to their mothers,
But they’re a pain in the ass just for us.

FOR HARES:

SHITTY TRAIL (Tune of  ‘Mickey Mouse Club March’)

S-H-I-T-T-Y T-R-A-I-L
Shitty trail (It sucked!),
Shitty trail (It blew!),
You motherfuckers laid a shitty trail.

I would rather suck a cock than hash a shitty trail,
S-H-I-T-T-Y T-R-A-I-L

 

AND THE HARES OF HER DICKEY-DI-DO

And the hares!
And the hares!
And the hares of her dickey-di-do,
Hung down to their knees.
One black one, one white one,
And one with a bit of shite on.
And one with a fairy light on,
To show is the way.

THE HARES STILL SUCK

The Hares still suck,
The Hares still suck,
The Hares still suck,
They really, really, really, really, really, really, suck.
The Hares still suck.

 

FOR VISITORS or RUN RECOGNITIONS:

THE HASHER SONG (also used for naming)

He/She’s a hasher, he’s true blue,
He’s/She’s a hasher, through and through.
He’s/She’s a scumbag, so they say,
Tried to go to heaven, but he went the other way.

HERE’S TO FELLOW HASHER(S) (tune of ‘The More We Get Together’)

Here’s to fellow hasher, fellow hasher, fellow hasher,
Oh, here’s to fellow hasher, [he’s with us today]*.
He’s happy, he’s jolly,
HE’S FUCKED UP, BY GOLLY!
Oh, here’s to fellow hasher, [he’s with us today]*.
So drink motherfucker, drink motherfucker,
Drink motherfucker, drink motherfucker.
Here’s to fellow hasher, [he’s with us today]*.         *[may he burn in hell/chug-a-lug]

SHE’S/HE’S ALL RIGHT

For harriets:

She’s all right,
She’s all right,
She’s a little flat-chested,
But she’s all right.

For well-endowed harriets:

She’s all right,
She’s all right,
She’s got a great big rack,
But she’s too white.

For hashers:

He’s all right,
He’s all right,
He’s got a teeny-weeny dick,
But he’s all right.

 

GET A life (tune of ‘William Tell Overture’)

Get a life, get a life, get a life, life, life,
Get a life, get a life, get a life, life, life.
Get a life, get a life, get a life, life, life,
Get a life, life, life, life.

 

OTHER OCCASIONS

Whenever anybody says ‘HEAD’:

Head?
Who said head?
I’ll have some of that!
And I did,
And it was good!
And there was much rejoicing.
And then we fucked,
We fucked for hours, uprooting trees and flowers.
We fucked like Vikings with horns on our heads.
Head?
Who said head?
I’ll have some of that!
We don’t want women with good taste,
We want women that taste good!

Alternate verse:

And then she licked my ass,
And I quivered.
But it wasn’t fun,
And it wasn’t funny.
It was dangerous!
So I’m taking my wife, my dog, and my hash shoes,
And I’m going home!
Fuck you, you fucking fucks…

BIRTHDAYS:

HASHY BIRTHDAY (FUCK YOU)

Hashy birthday, fuck you,
Hashy birthday, fuck you,
Hashy birthday, you asshole,
Hashy birthday, fuck you.

BIRTHDAY DIRGE

People dying everywhere,
Sickness, sorrow, and despair.
On your birthday [thump],
Oh, happy birthday [thump].
One day closer to your death!

FUCKING OFF (when a hasher is leaving town):

FUCK OFF, YOU CUNT (tune of ‘Auld Lang Syne’)

Fuck off, you cunt, fuck off, you cunt,
Fuck off, you cunt, fuck off.
Fuck off, you cunt, fuck off, you cunt,
Fuck off, you cunt, fuck off.

SONGS THAT ARE ALMOST ALWAYS SUNG:

CAMEL TOE

Head, shoulders, camel-toe camel-toe
Head, shoulders, camel-toe camel-toe
Thighs and lips,
the crack and hole.
Head, shoulders, camel-toe camel-toe

SUCK SWALLOW

Suck, swallow, 
suck, swallow.
Suck, swallow.
BREEEEEAAATHE…

WHY ARE WE WAITING?

Why are we waiting?
Could by [masturbating]*           *[fornicating, rollerblading, my grandma’s ovulating, etc.]
Oh, why are we waiting,
So fucking long?

 

BULLSHIT (tune of ‘My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean’)

Sounds like, sounds like, 
sounds like bullshit to me, to me.
Sounds like, sounds like
, sounds like bullshit to me.

 

MISCELLANEOUS DOWN DOWN SONGS

 B-I-M-B-O (tune of ‘BINGO’)

B-I-M-B-O,
B-I-M-B-O,
B-I-M-B-O,
And BIMBO was her name oh

 

DONNIE THE RETARD (tune of ‘Frosty the Snowman’)

Donnie the retard,
Had an eight pound melon head,
He was five foot three and he said to me,
Hiii myyy naaame isss Donnnnnie!*             *[incoherent yelling]

DOUGH, A BEER (tune of ‘Do, Re, Mi’)

Dough, the stuff, that buys me beer,
Ray, the guy who sells me beer, (Thanks Ray!),
Me, the guy, who drinks the beer,
Far, a long-long way to beer,
So, I’ll have another beer!
Laugh, and have another beer!
Tea, no thanks I’ll have a beer!
And that brings us back to down, down, down, down…

INCEST TIME IN TEXAS (tune of ‘Yellow Rose of Texas’)

When it’s incest time in Texas,
And your sister can’t be found,
Your mother’s in the bathroom,
Her panties halfway down,

No time for masturbation,
No time to beat your meat,
When it’s incest time in Texas,
Mother-fucking can’t be beat!

 

SHE LIKES IT IN THE KITCHEN

She likes it in the kitchen,
She likes it in the kitchen,
She likes it in the kitchen,
And kitchen means butt!

 

LOVE ME TENDER

Love me tender
Love me sweet
Wrap your lips around my meat
Watch me shiver
Watch me grin
As my cum runs
Down, down, down, down…..

 

ROLL BACK (tune of ‘My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean’)

My one skin hangs down to my two skin,
My two skin hangs down to my three (my three).
My three skin hangs down to my foreskin,
My foreskin hangs down to my knee.
Roll back, roll back,
Oh, roll back my foreskin for me, for me.
Roll back, roll back,
Oh, roll back my foreskin for me.

 

I LIKE BEER (tune of ‘Three Blind Mice’)

I like beer, I like beer,
I like beer, I like beer,
Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do,
Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
It like beer, I like beer.

 

IF YOUR GIRL/BOYFRIEND TASTES LIKE SHIT (tune of Happy and You Know It’)

If your girlfriend tastes like shit, turn her over,
If your girlfriend tastes like shit, turn her over.
If your girlfriend tastes like shit,
That’s her asshole, not her clit.

If your girlfriend tastes like shit, turn her over.


If your boyfriend tastes like shit, turn him over,
If your boyfriend tastes like shit, turn him over.
If your boyfriend tastes like shit,
That’s his asshole, not his dick.
If your boyfriend tastes like shit, turn him over.

 

IT’S A SMALL DICK AFTER ALL (tune of ‘It’s a Small World’)

Well, it’s not too long, and it’s not too thick,
It gets hard too slow, and it comes too quick.
It gets lost in her twat,
But it’s all that he’s got.

It’s a small, small dick (everybody now!).
It’s a small dick after all,
It’s a small dick after all,
It’s a small dick after all,
It’s a small (so small!), small dick.

 

MEET THE HASHERS (tune of ‘Meet the Flintstones’)

Hashers, meet the hashers,
They’re the biggest drunks in history.
From the town of Shanghai,
They’re the leaders in debauchery.
Half-minds, trailing shiggy through the years,
Watch them, as they down a lot of beers,
Down down, down down down down,
Down down down down down down down down down.

 

PUT YOUR LEFT LEG OVER MY SHOULDER (tune of ‘For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow’)

Put your left leg over my shoulder,
 put your right leg over my shoulder,
(wagging tongue)
La la la la la la la la la,
La la la la la la la la la.

 

THEY OUGHT TO BE SHOT (tune of ‘My Bonnie Lies over the Ocean’)

They ought to be publicly shat on,
They ought to be publicly shot (bang, bang!).
They ought to be tied to a shithouse,
And left there to fester and rot (bang bang)!

 

ZULU WARRIOR

A lay zooma zooma zooma,
A lay zooma zooma, hey!
A lay zooma zooma zooma,
A lay zooma zooma, hey!
Drink it down, you Zulu warrior,
Drink it down, you Zulu chief, chief, chief!

 

RUNNIN’ OUT MY BACK DOOR (tune of ‘Lookin’ Out My Back Door’)

Just got out of prison,
My bottom’s full of jizzum,
I’m thinkin’ ’bout the friends
That I made in cellblock four.
They raped me in the showers.
It must have taken hours.
Now there’s goo goo goo
runnin’ out my back door.

I MASTURBATED (tune of ‘I Wanna be Sedated’)

Twenty twenty twenty four hours ago,
I masturbated.
Nothin’ to do not even a ho,
So I masturbated.
Give me a box of kleenex,
And some Vaseline.
Hurry hurry hurry,
I gotta pull my ween.
I can’t control my fingers, I can’t control my load
Oh no oh no oh no.
Down down d-down, d-down down down d-down,
I masturbated

O-R-G-Y

Give me an “O”!
Give me an “R”!
Give me a “G”!
Give me a “Y”!
What does that spell?
ORGY!
What does that take?
TEAMWORK!

A SOLDIER

Asshole, asshole, a soldier I will be,
To piss, to piss, two pistols on my knee.
For cunt, for cunt, for country and for Queen,
Asshole, asshole, asshole, asshole, a soldier I will be.

 

TWENTY TOES

There’s a game called twenty toes,
It’s played all over town.
The women play with ten toes up,
The men with ten toes down, down, down, down….

 

WHIP IT OUT AT THE BALLGAME (tune of ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’)

Whip it out at the ballgame,
Wave it round at the crowd.
Dip it in peanuts and crackerjack,
I don’t care if you give it a whack.
‘Cause it’s beat your meat at the ballgame,
If you don’t come, it’s a shame (I don’t care!).
For it’s one, two, your covered in goo,
At the old ball game.

NATIONAL ANTHEMS

PISSONYA [Russian]

Pissonya, pissonya, pissonya
In Russian it means I love you
If I had my way I’d piss on ya all day
Pissonya, pissonya, pissonya

Shitonya, shitonya, shitonya
In Russian it means I adore you
If I had my way I’d shit on ya all day
Shitonya, shitonya, shitonya

Cumonya, cumonya, cumonya
In Russian it means I respect you
If I had my way I’d cum on ya all day
Cumonya, Shitonya, Pissonya

ALL AUSTRALIANS ARE BORN ILLEGITIMATE (tune of ‘The Old Gray Mare’)

All Australians are born illegitimate,
Born illegitimate,
Born illegitimate,
All Australians are born illegitimate,
Bastards through and through.

They ain’t got no, birth certificates,
Birth certificates,
Birth certificates.
They ain’t got no, birth certificates,
Bastards through and through.

(other verses)

They don’t know who, who their daddy is…

 

BRITISH SAILOR

Me no likey British sailor
Yankee pay 5 dollars more

Yankee tapping on my window
British breaking down the door

Yankee takes my clothes off slowly
British rip them to the floor

Yankee make love to me slowly
British rape me like a whore

Me no likey British sailor
Yankee pay 5 dollars more

 

BESTIALITY’S BEST BOYS [Kiwi] (tune of ‘Tie My Kangaroo Down, Sport’)

Bestiality’s best, boys,
Bestiality’s best. (Fuck a wallaby!)
Bestiality’s best, boys,
Bestiality’s best. (Fuck a wallaby!)

 

RULE, BRITANNIA! [Pom] (tune of ‘Rule, Britannia!’)

Rule, Britannia,
Marmalade and jam.
Five Chinese crackers up your asshole,
Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.

 

AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!

America, fuck yeah!
Coming again to save the motherfucking day, yeah!
America, fuck yeah!
Freedom is the only way, yeah!
Terrorists, your game is through,
‘Cause now you’ll have to answer to,
America, fuck yeah!
So lick my butt and suck on my balls!

 

LONG SONGS (for dinner or bus-rides)

 

YOGI BEAR (tune of ‘Camptown Races’)

There is a bear in the deep dark woods,
Yogi, Yogi,
There is a bear in the deep dark woods,
Yogi, Yogi Bear.

CHORUS (REPEAT PREVIOUS VERSE):

Yogi, Yogi Bear!
Yogi, Yogi Bear!
There is a bear in the deep dark woods,
Yogi, Yogi Bear.

VERSES

Yogi has a little friend,
Boo-Boo, Boo-Boo…

Yogi has a 12-inch cock, Black Bear, Black Bear…

Boo-Boo has a 13-inch cock, Liar, Liar…

Boo-Boo has a girlfriend, Cyndi, Cyndi…

Yogi has a girlfriend, Suzi, Suzi…

Cyndi doesn’t shave her snatch, Grizzly, Grizzly…

Cyndi bought some lingerie, Teddy, Teddy…

Cyndi likes it on the fridge, Polar, Polar…

Cyndi gets what she deserves, Pregnant, Pregnant…

Suzi likes it up the ass, Brown Bear, Brown Bear…

Suzi she ain’t got no teeth, Gummi, Gummi…

Suzi’s snatch it smells like cheese, Camem, Camem…

Cyndi’s tampon has no string, Cotton, Cotton…

Yogi didn’t use a condom, Daddy, Daddy…

Boo-Boo likes it upside down, Koala, Koala…

Yogi got a case of crabs, Itchy, Itchy…

Boo-Boo likes to stroke his tool, Wanker, Wanker…

Yogi also likes young boys, Poofter, Poofter…

SONG ENDER:

This song’s gone on longer than I can, I can…

I can, I can bear…

Yogi he has HIV,
Dying, Dying
Yogi he has HIV,
Dying, Dying Bear.

Dying, Dying Bear!
Dying, Dying Bear!
Yogi he has HIV,
Dying, Dying Bear.

I USED TO WORK IN CHICAGO

CHORUS

I used to work in Chicago

At the old department store

I used to work in Chicago

I don’t work there any more

VERSE STRUCTURE:

A woman came in for an (X)

(An (X) from the store)

An (X) she wanted, (Y) she got

Oh! I don’t work there anymore

VERSES

Hammer she wanted, banged she got

Carpet she wanted, shagged she got

Nail she wanted, screwed she got

Fishing rod she wanted, my pole she got

Meat she wanted, sausage she got

Pork she wanted, my roast beef she got

Camel she wanted, humped she got

Drill she wanted, reamed she got

Jewelry she wanted, a pearl necklace she got

Kit Kat she wanted, my four fingers she got

Juicy Fruit she wanted, my Big Red she got

Snap-on she wanted, my strap-on she got

A piano she wanted, my organ she got

Lobster she wanted, crabs she got

Ham she wanted, porked she got

A Hairdryer he wanted, a blow job he got

A Needle she wanted, pricked she got

Linoleum she wanted, laid she got

Fishing pole she wanted, my rod she got

Assistance she wanted, my AIDS she got

Coffee she wanted, my cream she got

Metaphysical conversation she wanted, FUCKED SHE GOT

Kayak she wanted, my pink canoe she got

Burrito she wanted my fuzzy taco she got

Screen door she wanted, my back door she got

Turkey she wanted, gobbled she got

Booze she wanted, liquor I did

Elevator she wanted, my shaft she got

Ruler she wanted, 12 inches she got

Bread she wanted, yeast she got

Eggs she wanted, laid she got

Stamps she wanted, licked she got

Saddle she wanted ridden she got

Calendar she wanted, date she got

Fan she wanted, blown she got

Light switch she wanted, turned on she got

Flowers she wanted, my two lips she got

Cat he wanted, my pussy he got

Cabbage she wanted, head she got

Parakeet she wanted, two swallows she got

Poetry she wanted, my Longfellow she got

Shakespeare she wanted, Dickens she got

Daises she wanted, my two lips she got

Coffee filter she wanted, my tea bag she got


ALLOUETE (tune of ‘Allouette’)

Alouette, gentille Alouette,
Alouette, je te plumerai.

Has she got the curly hair?
Yes she’s got the curly hair.
Curly hair, curly hair, Oooh Allouette, etc.

Has she got the bushy brows?
Yes she’s got the bushy brows.
Bushy brows, bushy brows, curly hair, curly hair, Oooh Alloutte, etc.

Has she got the broken nose, etc.
Has she got the puffy lips, etc.
Has she got the two buck teeth, etc.
Has she got the double chin, etc.
Has she got the saggy tits, etc.
Has she got the pot belly, etc.
Has she got the moovy crutch, etc.
Has she got he knobbly knees, etc.
Has she got the tiny toes, etc.

 

MAYOR OF BAYSWATER’S DAUGHTER
(the hairs of her dickey di-do)

The Mayor of Bayswater,
He has a lovely daughter,
And the hairs on her dicky-di-doe,
Hang down to her knees.

And the hairs (and the hairs)
And the hairs (and the hairs)
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees
One black one, one white one, and one with a little shite on
And one with a little light on, to show us the way!

She’s not a great looker, but everyone took ‘er
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

You’d need a coal miner to find her vagina
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

If she were my daughter I’d have them cut shorter
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

I’ve touched it, I’ve licked it, it tastes just like brisket
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

She lived by the waterfront, with the waves lapping up and down her cunt
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

She married an Italian, who was hung like a fucking stallion
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

She divorced the Italian, and married the stallion
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

I folded her lips back, and there found a six-pack
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

It was always hit-or-miss, whether I could find her clitoris
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

I reached into her thing, and there found my class ring
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

I’ve licked it, I’ve felt it, it was just like velvet
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

She says that she’s not a whore, but she bangs like a shithouse door
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

The aroma it lingers, it smells like fish fingers
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

She stayed in Seattle, and went down on cattle
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

She met a Hash House Harrier, who fucked her but wouldn’t marry her
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

It’d take a brontosaurus to eat her clitoris
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

It’d take a bloody wrecker to extract your pecker
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

It’s like going through a forest, to find her clitoris
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

Her love thought he’d seduced her, but turned out he’d only goosed her.
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

On her first trip through Melbourne, she strangled her firstborn
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

She lives on a cattle ranch, and shits like a bloody avalanche
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

If she were my daughter, I’d have her cut it much shorter
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

On a trip through Vladivostock, she sampled a bit of horsecock
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

She sits on a mountain, and pisses like a bloody fountain
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

I flicked it, I licked it, I even drop kicked it
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

I fucked her, I sucked her, I even loose rucked her
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

I touched it, I poked it, I even rolled and smoked it
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees

It takes a hasher from Halve Mein to fuck her a dozen times
And the hairs of her dickey di-do hung down to her knees…

 

I LIKE MY VINO

I like my Beer, it makes me feel queer,
But give me the good old vino.
I like my vino,
It gives me a stand supremo.
Aye,aye,aye aye, si si senora,

My sister Belinda she pissed out the window,
And filled up my brand new sombrero.
Anker because I’m a wanker
Brandy it makes me feel randy
Champagne it makes me cum again
Cider helps me get inside her
Claret it stiffens the carrot
Coke it helps me to poke
Gin it helps me get in
Jack Daniels because “he” fucks spaniels
Ovaltine makes me feel like a fairy queen
Pernod ‘cos it makes my dong grow
Pimms it lubricates quims
Port because “he’s” so short
Rum it helps me to cum
Schnapps it helps me with the chaps (cure the clap)
Seven Up it helps me get my pecker up
Sliwovitz it helps me cum between her tits
Sprite ‘cos I can go all the night
Stout it helps me get out
Tea because “he” gets it for free
Tequila it helps me to feel her
Whisky it makes me feel frisky
Wine it makes me feel fine

 

TO END THE HASH

SWING LOW

Swing low, sweet chariot,
Coming for to carry me home.
Swing low, sweet chariot.
Coming for to carry me home.
I looked over Jordan, and what did I see,
Coming for to carry me home?
A band of angels coming after me,
Coming for to carry me home.
If you get there before I do,
Coming for to carry me home.
Tell all my friends, I’m coming too,
Coming for to carry me home.

(repeat with variations: tongue out, humming, silent, disco, etc.)